Monday 28 September 2020 by Chris Ballard

Local lockdowns to be enforced with giant, floating white balloons


prisoner white balls to police lockdown

With more and more of the country subject to local lockdown restrictions the government is deploying spherical, bubble-like ‘Rovers’ to ensure nobody leaves their towns and villages.

The government is experimenting with new ways of getting people to stick to local lockdown measures.

“Frankly, this Prime Ministering is a lot harder than I thought it would be,” said Boris Johnson. “I’m therefore willing to try anything to make it seem like I’ve got a handle on the situation.

“I’ve implemented a pilot scheme in Swansea whereby the population is kept under control by intimidating white balloons which physically prevent people from travelling about – I’m sure everyone would agree that’s a completely sensible idea.

“Not that we want anyone to feel like prisoners, although actually, that’s exactly how I’d like them to see themselves.”

Last night Swansea resident Simon Williams attempted to make a break for the Neath branch of Lidl.

“I couldn’t even get on to the M4,” he said. “The slip road was blocked by this huge, menacing bubble thing. It landed on the bonnet of my car and I thought I was going to be crushed.

“I backed up and fled for my life.

“A voice then came over my car radio and said, ‘Go home number 363537!’

“This is ridiculous – I’m not a number, I’m a man!”

The Prime Minister insists the balloons are not as harmful as they seem.

“They’ll work as a deterrent as long nobody realises they’re actually just Chris Grayling and Gavin Williamson running around in Zorbs,” he said. “They can easily be outwitted with a cocktail stick or a mild jog.

“Still, nice to have finally found productive employment for those two.”

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