Priti Patel promises only the ‘brightest and best’ lorry drivers will be allowed into Kent

author avatar by 3 years ago

The Home Secretary has said that the new Kent Access Permit system will ensure that only the crème de la crème of lorry drivers will be allowed into the county.

In the government’s latest attempt to make Brexit completely impervious to satire, it has been announced that an internal border will be set up around Kent to avoid huge queues of lorries forming near Dover.

The Home Secretary has praised the scheme as an effective method of ensuring that only lorry drivers of the very highest calibre are allowed to sit in stationary vehicles on Kent’s roads.

“For far too long any old lorry drivers have been allowed to use Kentish motorways,” said Ms Patel.

“Many of them keep vehicles so filthy it’s possible to draw a classic graffiti cock and balls in the dirt.

“Some of the drivers haven’t even been to university.

“Hard as it is to believe, many others are French.

“For years, sub-par lorry drivers have been sneaking into Kent in an unbelievably brazen manner – not even stowed away in the back of lorries but by hiding in plain sight in the driving seat.

“The new Kent border will make it almost impossible for this to happen. Additional border force personnel and police cameras will also help us crackdown on those lorry drivers attempting to float their vehicles up the River Medway on massive articulated dinghies.

“I’d like to make clear that this scheme is in no way about reducing congestion on Kent’s roads – it’s about ensuring we have the right sort of congestion.”

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