Thursday 24 September 2020

Murdering the leaf-blower man now permissible by law


leaf blowing now legitimate reason to murder someone

A new law has been rushed through parliament that will see the murdering of the leaf-blower man permissible if he won’t just shut the f**k up.

The law has been put in place following a series of high-profile murder cases ended in ‘Not Guilty’ verdicts after the juries all agreed that murder is an entirely reasonable response if the leaf-blower man doesn’t just shut the f**k up.

“Making murder legal under certain circumstances is certainly an unusual and potentially controversial move,” explained barrister Simon Williams QC.

“However, I think that most people now agree that the only rational and sensible way to deal with the leaf-blower man is to murder him.”

Under the new law, a person would need to shout ‘shut the f**k up’ out the window at least three times before murder is permissible and then, if the leaf-blower man still persists, they can be beaten to death with their own leaf-blower without consequence.

“This new law is going to be a real boon for the Autumn months,” explained Carla Hammond, who is currently working from home and, like most people, would like to stick the leaf-blower man’s leaf-blower up his stupid leaf-blowing a**e.

“Frankly, I find the sound of the leaf-blower a little trying, so to know that I can legally murder the leaf-blower man is quite a comfort.”

It is understood that the new law was opposed by the Institute of Leaf-Blowing who claimed it would hinder Leaf-Blower men everywhere from blowing leaves from here to there which, despite all evidence to the contrary, they insist is a vital task.

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