Vicar suspicious as funeral attendees bring along a football, a barbecue and 300 cans of Stella Artois

author avatar by 4 years ago

COVID funerals are off to a cracking start, according to reports this morning.

With the government announcing that people may only meet in groups of six, unless they are attending a wedding (where groups of 15 may gather) or a funeral (where groups of 30 may gather), the British public has already embarked on doing what they do best: taking the absolute piss.

“I’m glad so many of Gareth’s young friends were able to turn up, particularly Simon, who tragically and accidentally pushed Gareth down six flights of stairs. It’s great that he can make peace with it,” said Father Dermot Hardy.

“However, this is very different from most funerals… it was very hard to concentrate on the sermon with that beach ball being batted around the church.”

“I also don’t believe I’ve ever seen a barbecue and five-a-side football game held in a graveyard before. I suppose I’m behind on the times.”

“This is what Gareth would have wanted,” said Simon Williams, a 24-year-old funeral attendee, serving up another round of burgers while Gareth Johnson’s coffin descended into the ground just behind him.

“Such a shame that I accidentally pushed him down those stairs, right after Boris made his announcement. *cough*

“But he would have been delighted that his untimely death gave the lads an opportunity for good old-fashioned knees-up.

“…look, it was either this or one of us had to get married. Nobody fancied that, and Gareth drew the short straw. Fair’s fair.

“How do you like your steak? Well done? Well Gareth certainly was! HAHAHAHA *cough* HA!”