Brexit has been revealed as a secret plot by the Kent Independence movement, who are on the verge of installing their longed-for border with the rest of the UK.
As the government announced plans to introduce a ‘border’ around Kent in the event of no-deal, those who have been waiting for this moment their entire lives have taken to the streets to celebrate, but only in groups of less than six – because they’re idiots, not monsters.
Simon Williams told us, “My Grandad dreamed this day would come, that his beloved Kent would be freed from the shackles of the oppressive Westminster regime – and that day is almost here. I’m just sad he’s not around to see it.
“Pretending to be in support of Brexit all this time has been difficult – I couldn’t give two hoots about the EU, this has always been about creating a border between ourselves and Westminster, and now the final moment of victory is upon us.
“I can’t believe you lot all fell for that nonsense about bendy bananas and kettles that take too long to boil. I remember the meeting when we came up with the bendy bananas; we were convinced you’d immediately see we were taking the piss – but no, you went for it big time.
“Do you think it’s a coincidence so many high-profile Brexiters are from Kent? They were just playing the long game this whole time, and now they’re about to secure the victory for which they’ve waited a hundred years.
“The moment that border is in place Nigel Farage will start the endgame, which is obviously to make Kent part of his native France.”