Boris Johnson is relying on the British public in a move already described as “doomed”.
The Prime Minister was widely expected to bring about some tough measures in light of an increase in coronavirus cases, but instead opted for the pubs to shut a little bit earlier.
“I am relying on the common sense of the British public to see us through this difficult time,” confirmed Boris Johnson.
“If there’s one thing all those photos of crowded beaches from back in May have taught me, it’s that these people can definitely be trusted to think for themselves and follow the guidance when it comes to reducing the transmission of coronavirus.
“So, with that in mind, wear a mask, work from home, and start drinking a little bit earlier in the day.
“Yes, that should do it,” concluded Boris, dusting his hands before popping off to shag someone else’s wife, probably.
“Oh goody,” sighed Hayley Rice, a member of the public.
“I mean, I’m not going to go out, because there’s a virus out there that literally kills vulnerable people, for which we have no reliable treatment or cure.
“But I’m acutely aware that a portion of the public consists of people who think they know more than scientists and that their ‘freedom’ to walk around the supermarket without a mask is more important than people they don’t know not dying.
“So I guess we’ll all be in full lockdown by Christmas, assuming we’re not already dead by then.”