Last orders bell to be replaced with air raid siren

author avatar by 3 years ago

Pubs will close to the sound of air raid sirens in order to evoke the blitz spirit and ensure people comply with the new 10 pm curfew.

With a pub closing time of 10 pm being rolled out across England this week, the government is finding innovative ways of ensuring compliance.

“People love all that World War Two stuff,” explained Minister for Pubs Simon Williams.

“Instead of the usual meek ‘ding ding’ of the last orders bell, pubs will now sound a deafening air raid siren.

“Also, rather than saying, ‘Drink up please ladies and gentlemen,’ landlords have been instructed to scream, ‘The virus is coming! Run for your lives! Ruuuuun!!!’

“That should get people scurrying patriotically for home without even pausing to vomit on the pavement.”

However, the initiative may be having some unforeseen consequences.

Christopher James has set up an underground ‘Drinking shelter.’

“Look, I totally get why pubs need to shut at ten,” he said. “The virus is nocturnal, probably because it came from bats. All makes perfect sense.

“What I’m not really clear about is why we need to stop socialising and drinking to excess in confined spaces.

“That’s why I’ve built an underground shelter in my garden – to provide a safe space where people can down a few jars, have a laugh and share bodily fluids without having to worry about the vampiric coronavirus prowling the streets above us.

“I’ve even ensured the ventilation is really bad so that no viral particles find a way down there.”

Mr Williams doesn’t seem too worried about such schemes.

“It’s just nice to see the public using a bit of common sense and initiative,” he added.