Sunday 20 September 2020 by Pete Redfern

Boris Johnson insists he can hold back the second wave like a right Cnut


Boris Johnson as King Cnut

According to reports from Number Ten insiders, Boris Johnson is under the impression that he can command the waves of Coronavirus away from our shores, like some kind of a Cnut.

Never one to shy away from imagining himself as a mythological god-king and saviour of all humanity, the Prime Minister has allegedly told the few staff at Number Ten that are still on speaking terms with him that he will merely be able to order the second wave away from Britain with the power of his great mind.

Cleaner Simon Williams told us, “Oh he was chuntering away again last night about mythology – Norse, this time – and about how the second wave that is currently hitting Britain will bow to his command before retreating.

“He was going on about how King Cnut was a good English King, despite being born in Denmark, and that he could control waves by holding out his penis towards them or something – there’s nearly always a phallus involved in Boris’ stories – and then he said he couldn’t remember the rest of the story because his classics teacher was a bit of hot totty and he got distracted, but he thought that was the gist of it.”

Downing Street aide Christopher James added, “Oh that explains it – this morning I saw that he’d typed BORIS – THE CNUT OF OUR TIMES into his laptop and I just assumed it was a rare moment of self-awareness, with a typo.”

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him – get the T-shirt here!

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