Government pioneers groundbreaking COVID 19 test involving a curt nod and mumbling ‘you alright, mate?’

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As criticism grows over its shambolic approach to testing people who might have contracted the deadly coronavirus, Number 10 announced that it would soon deploy an army of volunteers trained to detect if someone looks a bit under the weather and feign interest in their health.

Simon Williams MP, the Minister for Avoidable Clusterfucks, assured the public in an interview that his department was doing all in its power to brush off people who are scared of dying.

He told reporters, “We’re not too proud to admit when we get it wrong. We thought making people drive fifty miles out of town to the car park of a Center Parks where three tents had been set up would convince the public to stop fretting about their life and get back to the office.

“But, now we have discovered that people tend to get agitated when they have to spend five hours on hold before being told that they can get their throat swabbed sometimes next Easter at a testing centre in a different time zone.

“That’s why we are launching a recruitment campaign asking all good Telegraph-reading citizens to help us out in this crisis.

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“You know, like the war, you all pretend you were in despite being too young. Volunteers will go through a rigorous 12-minute course where they will learn vital skills, such as telling people to sit down awhile and putting the back of their hand on someone’s forehead.

“Perhaps even offering to put honey in a cup of tea before sending them on their way.

“We will do literally anything to help convince you that you’ve been rigorously tested.”