Thursday 17 September 2020 by Neil Tollfree

Matt Hancock receives ‘Best Health Secretary in the Whole World’ trophy from his Mum


Matt Hancock gets trophy from mum

Beleaguered minister Matt Hancock received a boost earlier today when he was awarded a ‘Best Health Secretary in the Whole World’ trophy from his Mum.

He received the award for ‘Doing his best’ and ‘Making his mum ever so proud’.

“I got the trophy from Timpsons on the High Street,” said Mrs Hancock.

“It was only four pounds, but I thought it would be nice to try and cheer little Matty up a bit because everyone’s being so mean to him at the moment.

“I mean, I know that over 40,000 people have died because he can’t organise a track and trace system or get a sensible testing procedure in place, but he’s doing his best and there’s no reason at all to call him all those names.

“So, anyway, I got the nice man in Timpsons to do the engraving, and then I presented it to him this morning after he’d finished his Frosties.

“We had a little ceremony – Dad played some dramatic music on the piano, and we tied a bow-tie around the dog’s neck.

“I went – ‘And the award for Best Health Secretary in the whole world goes to little Matty Hancock’ – and we all sang ‘For he’s a jolly good fellow’.

“I think it cheered him up a bit.”

Simon Williams, the Timpsons worker who engraved the trophy, was troubled by the news.

“Christ, if I’d known it was for him, I’d have put ‘Best Wanker in the Whole World’ on it and told her to jog on.”

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