Wednesday 16 September 2020 by Chris Ballard

Government tells people unable to take Covid tests they will be allowed to use their predicted results


Matt Hancock on test results

The government is addressing a severe shortage of coronavirus testing kits by permitting those with symptoms to use teacher-predicted results.

With COVID testing forecast to be a total shambles for many weeks to come, Health Secretary Matt Hancock has come up with a brilliant solution to the problem.

“It got Gavin Williamson out of a bind, and I see no reason why it won’t work for me,” he told reporters.

“I’ll just let people use the coronavirus test results that they are predicted to receive.”

Simon Williams has a fever and was one of the first to benefit from the new streamlined process.

“I didn’t have a cough and my taste seemed okay but I definitely had a fever,” he said. “My nearest available COVID test centre was apparently 357 miles away and they promised to hold a kit for me for fifteen minutes. Better than average, but still not really practical.

“However, under Mr Hancock’s ingenious new system I was able to pick up the phone and call Mr Maddox who taught me in J4 – or Year 6 or whatever they started calling it in the early nineties.

“I told him I was feverish and asked if he thought I would test positive for coronavirus.

“Mr Maddox, who’s now nearly eighty, said he didn’t have a fucking clue what I was talking about and asked how I got his number.

“I pushed him for his best guess and he said, ‘There’s clearly something wrong with you, so yes, you’ve got it!’

“When I expressed my disappointment he said, ‘Okay, no then!’ and hung up.

“So I don’t have coronavirus! It’s such a relief!”

The Health Secretary admitted the system may need a little fine-tuning.

“Fortunately, we have a helpful algorithm that can look at the predicted results and tweak them as needed,” he said.

“It will take a look at your postcode, and how people from the same background as you performed, and decide if you should, after all, have passed the COVID test, or whether you should be been downgraded to someone who needs to stay at home for two weeks just in case.

“Suggestions that the algorithm’s test results could be skewed by your economic output is completely false. We would never dream of creating a system that is less helpful to those who are less financially valuable.”

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