Tuesday 15 September 2020 by Lucas Wilde

Schrödinger’s young person simultaneously expected to be out working in retail and hospitality while also staying home


Matt Hancock on schrodingers young person

Britain’s young people must go to work, but they are wrong to be doing that, according to reports today.

The government has consistently suggested that young people are to blame for the recent rise in Covid infections, while also insisting that the pubs, shops and restaurants that are primarily staffed by young people stay open.

“Look, it’s really simple,” sighed government spokesperson, Simon Williams.

“We are demanding that businesses primarily staffed by the under-30s open, and STAY open, and the people who work there should return.

“At the same time, we are also blaming young people for going back out and spreading this virus about.

“I really don’t think this is complicated at all. Our expectations of young people are perfectly clear, as are our criticisms of them when they meet those expectations.”

Young person, Hayley Rice, 19, said, “Err,…OK.

“I’m kind of numb to all of this by now. That whole A-Level thing made me suspect that I’m not this government’s top priority, this just confirms it, that’s all.”

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