Our disgusting sticky tables catch and trap coronavirus safely, insists Wetherspoons boss

author avatar by 4 years ago

Wetherspoons boss Tim Martin has insisted that it’s almost impossible for coronavirus particles to spread in his pubs simply because every single surface is horrifically sticky.

Tim Martin has played down the risk of catching COVID in Wetherspoons after 66 of his staff tested positive for the virus.

“My pubs are one of the safest places you can possibly be during a pandemic,” he said.

“Other establishments rely on hygiene routines and cleaning products – one missed spot could lead to unwitting customers contracting the virus.

“But here at Wetherspoons, we don’t need to bother with all that nonsense.

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“All the surfaces is in my pubs are basically like coronavirus flypaper. An infected person could gob all over a table – as my regular customers like to do – and the virus would stick fast, unable to move on to another host. You couldn’t lick it off if you tried.

“It’s the same with our carpets. I challenge you – go to a Wetherspoons, find a spot on the floor which isn’t covered by shoes of customers who have had to abandon them, and rub your face all over it.

“You’ll probably be violently sick but you sure won’t have coronavirus because the particles will be trapped there until they die.

“I know all this because I made my staff conduct extensive experiments. Don’t worry, I paid them their usual paltry wage for doing so, plus some urine and semen riddled peanuts as danger money.

“I’m not a monster who would play down a threat simply to line my own pockets!”