BBC replaces Nichola Sturgeon’s pandemic briefings with Jamie Oliver making curried haggis

author avatar by 3 years ago

Following a perfectly legitimate chat with the leader of the Scottish Tories, the BBC has decided that the people of Scotland don’t need to know about government measures to contain COVID 19 and would much prefer to hear what English people think of their culture.

The head of BBC Scotland, Simon Williams, said he was certain Scots don’t want tedious information about school closures or lockdowns as they were naturally protected by a combination of high blood alcohol and “the fierce warrior spirit of the glens.”

He went on, “I know the Scottish mind very well. I’ve been there on holiday twice and my wife’s family owns a shooting estate somewhere near a loch.

“They don’t want to hear what decisions have been made by the people who run the hospitals and schools. They want to see David Starkey tell them about their kings or see hilarious routines from Jim Davidson about how they don’t like to spend money.

“They are a proud carefree people who live for song, whiskey and ceilidhs in the heather, not dull yammer from their elected leader about who can get tested for the coronavirus.

“Also, there is the question of fairness. Why should we give so much airtime to the leader of Scotland when the UK’s PM hides away in Downing Street?”

Mr Williams re-iterated the Beeb’s commitment to broadcasting content aimed at Scottish especially if it didn’t make Boris Johnson look like a lazy fuckwit completely overtaken by events.

“We’ve got reruns of Balamory, both Trainspottings and hours of Jimmy Carr making jokes about Glaswegians being scared of fruit. Oh, and we’re rebooting Byker Grove.

“Newcastle is in Scotland, isn’t it?”