Good old Saint Nick will ensure he follows the Rule of Six and thus saves Christmas by executing some of his reindeer.
The government’s new Rule of Six has led to fears that Christmas 2020 is now effectively cancelled in England, though Santa insists this is not the case.
“Don’t worry, I have a plan!” exclaimed Santa.
“The truth is, I’ve been meaning to reduce my vehicle’s reindeer power for a while now – got to think of your carbon footprint these days!
“Having nine of the animals was always rather OTT – style over substance. So in order to ensure we set off on Christmas Eve as a group of no more than six, I’m going to shoot four of them.
“In the face.
“Obviously I need Rudolph – he lights my way. I could do without his ego and I’ve often considered simply mounting his head on the front of the sleigh. However, I’m fairly confident his nose would go out if I killed his brain.
“All the others are fairly interchangeable although Dasher will be the first to go because of all the fucking speeding tickets he’s cost me over the years.
“I chose the others by pulling names out of my Santa hat. Watch out for the antlers on eBay!”
Santa did have a few words for animal lovers appalled at his apparent cruelty.
“None of my reindeer actually exist,” he explained, “and I’m not real either.
“So don’t worry – no animals are going to be shot and Christmas is definitely going to be cancelled.
“Ho ho ho.”