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A new spike in COVID cases has seen the government introduce restrictions on social gatherings for everyone who isn’t Dominic Cummings.
If you are not Dominic Cummings, you will not be able to meet in groups larger than six. If you are Dominic Cummings then, of course, you can do whatever you like.
“It is important to get a grip on this rise in cases as soon as possible,” explained Health Secretary Matt Hancock.
“To do that, almost everyone will need to obey these new guidelines.
“The exception, naturally, will be Dominic Cummings who will be able to do what he likes, when he likes.
“This is because Mr Cummings is the most important man in the country, and if we don’t let him do what he likes, then he might not tell us how to win any more elections.
“In fact, we were going to restrict gatherings to no more than eight people, but in order to let Mr Cummings do whatever he wants, we needed to reduce the risk even further by restricting gatherings for normal people to no more than six.”
It is understood that Dominic Cummings has responded to the new restrictions by planning a big eye-testing party at Barnard Castle for all his friends.
