Tuesday 8 September 2020 by Neil Tollfree

New rise in Covid figures ‘a middle-class hoax to have free theatre streams reinstated’


middle class hoax

It has been revealed that the spike in Covid figures is actually a hoax perpetrated by the middle classes in order to have free streams of National Theatre productions reinstated.

During the initial weeks of lockdown, the middle classes were able to access free streams of blockbuster plays starring someone they recognised from the telly that allowed them to pretend they were regular theatre-goers who understood Shakespeare and had a valid opinion on the merit of Tamsin Greig’s command of rhyme and meter.

Sadly, the streams were brought to an end and the middle classes were forced to watch plebby rubbish like Casualty and Panorama instead.

However, a brave group of Home Counties culture-lovers hatched a plan.

“I admit it, I used little Jocasta’s iMac to hack the Covid figures,” explained Simon Williams, an Alternative Nutritionist from Twyford.

“I recognise that making it seem like coronavirus infections are going up could prove really scary to some people, but I think that fear will be worth it if we get free streams of that bloke who was Dr Who for a bit doing Macbeth.”

It had been suggested that perhaps if Mr Williams had been a bit more patient then the virus could subside enough so that people could actually return to theatres to see live productions.

“Good Lord, no,” he scoffed.

“I’m not paying to go to the theatre. Those ticket prices are a scandal.”

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