Tuesday 8 September 2020 by Mark Molloy

‘Don’t kill your gran’ says man whose decisions killed 20,000 grans


Matt Hancock says don't kill your gran

Health Secretary Matt Hancock has this week urged the nations young people not to ‘kill your gran’ by becoming infected by coronavirus, having already allowed thousands of untested hospital patients into care homes himself causing the preventable deaths of up to 20,000 grans.

As the government continues to focus its entire blame for any second spike in infections on young people, who it has told to go back to education, to go to work, to eat out and to use public transport, the Health Secretary has moved to add to the anxieties of the young by insisting that any further deaths caused by a rise of infections will be entirely their fault.

Speaking earlier today he told us, “We are urging young people not to kill their gran through becoming infected by this disease whilst doing exactly what we tell them in going back to work and full-time education.

“Following on from our highly successful care plan at the peak of the pandemic where we allowed only 20,000 grans to die due to our gross incompetency in care homes, we will look to continue our strategy of protection for old people by offering no clear guidance or specific plan to deal with the imminent problem, before shifting the blame entirely when it’s too late to do anything about it.

“We will also be keeping all pubs and bars open for the foreseeable future and encouraging a return to the office for all of our nation’s younger workers, just so they can generate us some much-needed tax revenue before falling into a spiral of anxiety and guilt as we publicly blame them for everything.”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here!

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