Thursday 3 September 2020 by Arabin Patson

Russian government making list of lovely cathedrals in Siberia to explain Navalny poisoning


Russian poisoning

As German doctors tried to save the life of Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny, the Kremlin has been put under strong international pressure to find a religious landmark its agents could claim to be visiting around the same time Putin’s rival was poisoned.

Although the Russian government has refused to comment, its supporters have said there were many lovely churches in Siberia for thuggish spy types to be interested in while being spotted around Mr Navalny’s food. As explained Semyon Vilyamski, a Russian businessman close to Vladimir Putin and owner of several London office buildings and Tory MPs.

“Once again, the western media, with the exception of that nice Mr Galloway, have been reading too many spy novels.

“If any footage appears of known Russian black ops experts next to Alexei’s tea, then it will surely be a coincidence as the beautiful Abakan cathedral is in Siberia. It’s world-famous!”

Asked if the world was once again going to be treated to the sight of two GRU agents going through an unconvincing pretence of being ‘tourists’ as a not-so-subtle ‘fuck you’ to western governments, Mr Vilyamski explained the situation was radically different.

“This is not the same. Germany is a financial powerhouse with competent leaders who are willing to act on principle. So I expect our lies to be much much more convincing than the ones we use to palm off the Brits.”

“Put it this way, wherever you are from, if you forget your wife’s birthday then you better get ready to spend some cash to make it up to her.

“But who buy flowers for a hooker?”

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