Donald Trump calls for tighter soup controls

author avatar by 4 years ago

President Trump has called for a tightening of the rules surrounding the constitutional right of Americans to purchase, carry and bear soup.

Footage has circulated this week of a press briefing in July in which Donald Trump claimed that far-left anarchists were hurling bags of soup at police, prompting the President to give an incoherent, deranged ramble on his previous incoherent, deranged ramble.

“Oh I meant what I said in July, bigly,” he told reporters this morning, his synapses working overtime to maintain the illusion of coherence.

“Soup, I said back then, bags and bags of soup being hurled at police by Antifa, very sad!

“I stand by my belief that no-one can throw a brick as they are too heavy, I know I couldn’t, and the anarchists can’t, and that’s why they’re throwing bags of soup.”

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He continued, “Today I am calling for tighter restrictions on the purchase of soup. There should be mental health checks so that soup cannot be bought by anyone who goes along with Biden’s radical far-left policies.”

He added, “As well as tighter controls, I will be issuing the police with massive vats of soup, as the only thing that can stop a bad guy with soup is a good guy with a bigger, stronger soup.”

Republican spokesman Chuck Williams told us, “These are just safety measures to reduce the high levels of soup violence we’ve seen in the streets.

“An outright ban would be unrealistic – people will always be able to get hold of soup on the dark web – but it’s a good idea of Trump’s to have tighter controls.

“And when it comes to buying soup, there should definitely be a two-week ‘cooling off’ period.”