Friday 28 August 2020 by Arabin Patson

Government responsible for worst COVID-19 death toll in Europe perplexed that people not keen to go back to offices


Government confused about lockdown reluctance

The politicians whose callousness and/or ineptitude have led Brits to be more at risk of dying from COVID-19 than Eritreans are asking experts to solve the mystery of why workers seem reluctant to gamble with their lives just to save their local branch of Pret.

Simon Williams MP, the junior minister for Mass Graves, said it was vital to discover why people prefer to stay and work in a comfortable and safe place instead of breathing potentially lethal germs on overcrowded public transport just to swap tedious banter with people they secretly loathe.

He told us, “I hate to admit it, but this one has got us stumped.

“We’ve told the public how important it was for them to go out and buy £4.50 tuna sandwiches in sterile city centres that we deliberately drained of inhabitants over the past decades.

“I understand people are concerned about their health, but can’t they see that we risk losing the charmless corporate snack chains that make our office districts so special?

“And what’s more, by making every possible mistake in containing the epidemic we are much better prepared to deal with a second wave than a country who dealt with the first one properly. So why are people such nervous nellies?

“That’s why we invite the scientific community to investigate this strange phenomenon and I can assure you they will be treated with the same respect we have given their opinion so far. As long as they don’t tell us to wear masks or something annoying like that.”

Although it is just a theory at the present, many behavioural psychologists attribute the fear of returning to work to a little known syndrome called Not Wanting To Die.

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here!

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