Tuesday 25 August 2020 by James Backhouse

Doctors who claim Russian opposition leader was ‘probably poisoned’ also insist that Pope is ‘probably Catholic’


Doctors conclude Alexei Navalny was probably poisoned

The doctors treating Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny, who nearly died due to ingesting a mysterious toxic substance, say they now believe that he was “probably poisoned”.

They followed up this bombshell with the news that they also have suspicions about the Pope’s religious affiliation and the origin of bear turds recently found in woodland areas.

As Dr Simon Wilhelm of the Charité hospital in Berlin explained, “When we heard that our patient was one of Putin’s biggest critics and that after drinking a cup of tea he was writhing in agony for hours, of course, our first assumption was that his shoes were too tight.

“However, after loosening his footwear, however, the symptoms still persisted. When he fell into a coma, we were also forced reluctantly to give up on our second explanation, that the tea he’d drunk had been a bit too hot.

“When Mr Navalny regained consciousness, we asked him whether there could possibly be some connection between his repeated criticism of President Putin and his current bout of ill-health. The patient then suffered searing eye pain, which we attribute to dangerous exposure to the blindingly obvious.”

Dr Wilhelm then applied his Poirot-like mind to the Pope’s possible Catholicism. “My suspicion was aroused by the facts that he was ordained as a Catholic priest half a century ago and has since become head of the Catholic Church.

“I now think that this isn’t just a phase he’s going through, and that he may, in fact, be a dedicated Catholic.

“I know it’s even more far-fetched, but perhaps the simultaneous existence of bears and bear shit in the same woods is no coincidence.”

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