Brazilian superstar Neymar suffered a number of murders during the Champions League Final last night.
The first murder took place seventeen minutes into the match when Neymar was brutally gunned down by Bayern Munich keeper Manuel Neuer who, seeing Neymar race along the left-wing, shot him three times.
At twenty-three minutes, defender Alphonso Davies was unable to catch Neymar as he jinked his way towards the box and so ran him through with a lance, leaving the world’s most expensive player in a pool of his own blood at the side of the pitch.
Midfielder Thomas Muller found himself in a one-on-one with Neymar in the fifty-second minute and, unable to tackle him, stabbed him repeatedly in the chest instead.
Making no effort to go for the ball, left-back David Alaba launched a crossbow bolt into Neymar’s face just as he was about to shoot on the sixty-minute mark.
At seventy-five minutes, Manuel Neuer committed his second murder of the night by using a scythe to decapitate the PSG striker just before he could get a shot away in the hope of scoring the equaliser.
Neymar’s final murder came at the hands of industrious midfielder Thiago who, seeing Neymar’s dangerous right-sided run, fired a cannonball at the Brazilian favourite, cutting him almost in two.
Happily, Neymar was able to recover from all of the murders he suffered and was able to play out the game until its conclusion, much the bafflement of medical professionals, all of whom repeatedly believed his career was definitely over.