Friday 21 August 2020 by Neil Tollfree

Amazon offers option to pre-report lost parcel if delivery assigned to Hermes


Amazon will now offer customers the chance to pre-report a lost parcel if the delivery has been assigned to Hermes.

“If your delivery is assigned to Hermes, then it is pretty much certain that package will end up left up a tree, under a motorway flyover, or on Ebay,” explained Amazon representative Simon Williams.

“So, from Monday, as soon as a delivery is assigned to Hermes, customers will have the option to immediately report the parcel as missing and request a replacement or refund.

“There will be no need to wait for the inevitable ‘We’ve left your parcel in a bin in an industrial park six miles away’ card to come through your letterbox, everyone will just assume that, because it’s Hermes, that’s going to happen anyway.”

Amazon customer Mark Hammond approved of the plan.

“Really good idea. Will save a lot of time,” he said.

“Only the other day, I got a card through my letterbox from Hermes saying that as no-one was in, they’d left my parcel on my doorstep in a parallel dimension.

“So, then I had to spend the rest of the week reading up on trans-dimensional physics and creating a portal to the parallel dimension and when I finally went through the portal, I found they’d left the parcel in a pile of dog-shit and then piled more dog-shit on top of it.

“I wouldn’t have minded, but I was in all day.”

Hermes responded to Amazon’s move saying ‘f**k off, we’re Hermes, we don’t give a shit. C**ts.”

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