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Gavin Williamson has offered an early, explicit and unreserved apology today for the inevitable shambles that awaits the country as schools look to reopen next month.
In a somewhat unusual move by the Education Secretary, currently clinging on to his job just long enough to oversee the safety of millions of children returning to school for the first time since March, an apology has been issued in full for the absolute mess we are about to endure.
In a statement earlier today, he told us “I want to assure the millions of people across the country about to be affected by our shambolic attempt to reopen schools safely and effectively next month that I am incredibly sorry for getting almost everything completely and utterly wrong. Again.
“Whilst there will clearly be a complete lack of planning and implementation to ensure that your children return to school with any degree of safety, let alone a half-decent standard of education, you can rest assured that I personally will be very sorry indeed when the inevitable happens.
“We will, of course, be making a number of customary U-turns throughout September and October to further add to the pressure and anxiety of everyone involved – and again, I’m very sorry for that.”
Asked if would consider resigning now, before getting the country into any further mayhem, he told us, “Listen, I would, because I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing, but I can’t find Boris anywhere. He’s gone missing again as usual.”
A Cabinet Arseholes – get your T-shirt here!
