Monday 17 August 2020 by Neil Tollfree

‘Well, they probably wouldn’t vote Tory anyway’ – Government defends A-Level debacle


Boris Johnson on exam results

The Government has continued to defend the current debacle around A-Level results by saying that A-Level students are statistically unlikely to vote in elections, and if they do, they are unlikely to vote Tory.

“Frankly, this whole ‘governing the country’ thing is pretty tricky,” said Boris Johnson, Prime Minister.

“There’s an awful lot to do and we have to prioritise.

“So, we need to make sure that business owners are taken care of in these difficult times, and they come first because they vote for us. So, we’ve got our best people looking after them.

“A-Level students? Well, they’re too busy watching Love Island and playing Fortnite to vote and if they do, they’ll fritter away their vote on some wacky so-called ‘party’ that believes in far-left nonsense like trying to make the country a nicer place to live for everyone.

“They’re not really much use to us, politically speaking. Which is why we’ve got Gavin Williamson looking after their interests and used an algorithm based around picking grades out of a hat to decide their futures.

“Well, a few of the kids from the posher schools might vote for us I suppose, which is why we didn’t downgrade a single grade from Eton.”

The Prime Minister then used his characteristic optimism to lift students’ spirits.

“It’s not like there are any jobs available to state-schooled students that require A-Levels anyway, so a fair A-Level grade would only give them false hope.

“In many ways, they should be grateful to my government for giving them a realistic expectation of their lives ahead.

“You’re welcome.”

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him (get the best-selling T-shirt here!)

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