Monday 17 August 2020 by Pete Redfern

Government algorithm renames GCSEs as HDTFs


Gavin Williamson GCSE results

The government is considering delaying the GCSE results, or HDTFs, as they are now called.

Following the debacle over the downgrading of A-Levels last week, or B-Levels as they are now known, the government is reportedly considering delaying the release of this week’s results on Thursday until the algorithm used to calculate the grades has been reviewed.

Education secretary and D-list fireplace salesman Gavin Williamson told reporters, “We are considering delaying the HDTF results due out this week, as we are getting the impression that some students aren’t overly happy with the grades that they were given for their B-Levels last week.

“Which is weird, because loads of students marched near parliament yesterday singing something that sounded like ‘Boris Johnson is our anchor’, so it must just be a quiet handful that is dissatisfied with their B-Level results.”

He continued, “Nevertheless, if I know anything about education – and let’s be honest, I don’t – it is that you must do it in the right way, a way that is fair and proper.

“That is why I shall be consulting the leading expert on fair algorithms to ask advice and hopefully resolve the issue – Mark Zuckerberg.”

GCSE student Simon Williams responded, “Oh, so Gavin Williamson is in charge of the results that will dictate the course of my future is he? Well, that fills me with all the confidence of someone about to have their appendix removed by a baboon.

“He’ll probably just tell us to ‘shut up and go away’, the B-hole.”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here!

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