Exam algorithm suggests students ‘may also enjoy unaffordable housing’

author avatar by 3 years ago

Having denied them an education, the government’s exam algorithm is now suggesting other hardships that students might also be interested in.

Further to the successful allocation of lower than expected A-level results, the Department for Education’s sophisticated exam algorithm has identified a number of additional challenges young people would probably like to face.

“I got the idea from Netflix,” said Simon Williams, Lead Software Engineer for the DfE.

“Now that they’ve enjoyed one aspect of their future being needlessly destroyed it stands to reason that they’ll be thirsty for other ways in which their lives can be ruined by a faceless algorithm.

“We’ve got a large portfolio of content we think they’ll enjoy.

“’Not being able to afford somewhere decent to live’ is already being hailed as a modern classic.

“A total lack of job opportunities should sugar the pill for those disappointed they can’t go to university – they probably wouldn’t get a decent job anyway!

“Then there are the 24/7 pressures of social media and the constant need to pretend your life is perfect – particularly stressful when you’re part of a generation which will almost certainly have a terrible existence.

“I suspect mental health issues will become increasingly popular as the lack of support in the face of increasing pressures really starts to bite.

“And there are loads more – environmental concerns, body image, substance abuse… and everything has the potential to run for multiple seasons. It’s a very exciting time to be a teenager!

“The only thing I’m worried about is that young people have so much choice that they will spend all their time deciding what to endure and never actually experience any hardships!”