Saturday 15 August 2020 by Arabin Patson

Exam debacle causes students from the School of Hard Knocks to lose place at University of Life


university of life

The A-levels fiasco has shattered the centuries-old relationship between the two institutions most attended by the people you will find in a pub on Tuesday afternoon, with some fearing a future dearth of qualified holders of degrees in Common Fucking Sense Mate.

Barry Williams, a proud alumnus of both establishments, took time off from filling in his betting slips to express his dismay that the shambolic approach to this year’s exams would deprive many hypertensive men of their much-needed shoulder chip.

He explained, “It’s an absolute disgrace! Going from the School of Hard Knocks the University of life to has been a career pipeline for time immemorial.

“As a proud graduate myself I can use my degree to silence anyone who makes me feel insecure by having formal academic knowledge. How many youths are now going to be deprived of that? What’s going to happen in 20 years’ time when there will be no one to support a blatantly cretinous argument by claiming ill-informed gut reactions are as valid as genuine peer-validated expertise?”

The grading scandal has affected Mr Williams personally as his son Simon was one of those caught out by the government’s algorithm.

“My boy is absolutely gutted. He was going to sit Bullying, Tedious Banter and Deeply Revealing Homophobia but was denied the chance to prove himself. So they’ve based his grade on one kebab-shop fight and his police caution for vandalism. It’s absurd!”

Asked for a comment, the Admissions Officer of the University of Life slowly put away his copy of the Daily Express before going on an irrelevant 30-minute tirade on how “we didn’t win the war by reading books like a fucking ponce.”

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