Wednesday 5 August 2020 by Rich Ratson

Gavin Williamson confident English exam shambles will outclass ‘amateur’ Scottish attempt

Gavin Williamson planning huge exam disaster to put Scotland to shame

English exam boards are secretly scrambling to emulate the dream-shattering triumph of their Scottish counterparts, pulling together a copycat assessment system based on laziness, prejudice, and spitefully arbitrary whimsy.

With exams cancelled due to coronavirus, both nations had promised results would be a meticulous correlation of previous results, coursework, and teachers’ evaluations.

Instead, Scotland pulled off a masterful coup, verifying the results against longstanding educational standards such as the family’s bank balance and house price on Zoopla, slashing grades for pupils from the bottom 25% areas in terms of affluence ‘just for a laugh’.

Other punitive downgrades were applied for ‘having a chavvy name’: spelling Chris ‘Kris’, for example, or vajazzling traditional favourite Morag up to Mossad.

With just two weeks to go, England School Standards Minister Nick Gibb has been tasked with finding even more capricious methods to crush the soul out of any children undeserving enough never to have gone skiing or tasted hummus.

“We’re pretty pissed off Scotland got their first,” he admitted.

“But with the talent we’re throwing at this – we’re talking Gavin Williamson, remember – we’re pretty sure we can achieve an unparalleled level of carnage, then claim it as our own idea all along.”

The lesser-known sibling of the famous singing family, Mr Gibb has been a junior minister in the education department since 2010, with nobody, including himself, knowing exactly what he does.

He maintains his unimpeachable position thanks to his parents being called Allegra and St. John, and spending his gap year llama trekking, which guaranteed him all A* grades when he took his own exams.

Leaked grading guidelines indicate dim and indolent private school pupils living on an estate with its own postcode and polo ground can rest easy.

Bright and hardworking comprehensive pupils living on an estate with its own police no-go zone and Stacey Dooley documentary should prepare to excavate their grades from several storeys below ground.

Mr Gibb urged nervously waiting pupils to be proactive; “Basically, if your current ‘dad’ drives a Citroen and you’ve ever watched ITV, then university, ambition and economic security really aren’t for you.

“Best order your Uber Eats uniform now, before your fellow scum beat you to it.”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here!

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