Tuesday 4 August 2020 by Arabin Patson

Rape far less serious than making Chris Grayling look like an idiot, explains Chief Whip

Parliament chief whip chris grayling

The Tories have defended their decision not to suspect an MP accused of rape, citing internal procedures which only allows the withdrawal of the whip for egregious crimes such as embarrassing Chris Grayling or voting against the government while not being called Boris Johnson.

Chief Whip Mark Spencer, a man who is perplexed as to why his wife won’t speak to him lately, explained that his office would have loved to do something when they were told of the rape accusation months ago but their hands were tied.

“It’s easy for armchair politicians to talk of being decisive and using some mystical notion of ‘common sense’, but we have to follow regulations.

“Withdrawing the whip can only be used in extreme breaches of conduct like being obviously better at heading an Intelligence Committee than the most useless British politician in living memory.

“That or heinous crimes like voting against the Boris Johnson government in exactly the same way Boris Johnson voted against the Theresa May government.”

Mr Spencer also insisted that the main reason to keep the identity of the rape suspect secret was to protect the anonymity of the victim.

He went on, “People need to remember that my first duty is to protect the anonymity of the woman who complained to me about the abuse back in April before I told her to go bother someone else.

“After all, imagine how awkward she would feel if we took steps to ensure the safety of the women who worked with the accused rapist, or maybe came to see him in his surgery.

“It will be fine. If there’s one thing we know about sexual predators, it’s that nothing stops them faster than the belief they are being protected in high places.”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here!

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