Monday 3 August 2020 by Arabin Patson

Brexit triumph as life expectancies edge closer to levels from before the UK joined the EU


Life expectancy on the way down

The government has hailed the news that life expectancies have stopped their unpatriotic climb and are finally heading towards the levels last seen in the halcyon days before 1973, while explaining that work is ongoing to replicate this across all facets of life.

Simon Williams MP, the junior minister in charge of the Great Leap Backward project, said he was confident that by the end of the decade, the UK would also see seventies levels of illiteracy, domestic violence and drink driving.

“It’s of course great news that we can start reliving that blessed age where people shuffled off in their late sixties instead of clinging on and forcing us to import nurses and carers from abroad. And to think some people still believe the Coronavirus only has negative effects.

“Thanks to the virus and our plan to send health and safety regulations to the shredder and import the cheapest food available on the global markets, we expect this trend to accelerate.”

Mr Williams explained that a dropping life expectancy was just one facet of the Conservatives’ efforts to turn back time.

“We will not stop at just seeing people die just a couple of short years into their retirement. Our education reforms will guarantee that only 5% of our workforce will have a degree and the rest will be jovial manual workers who know their place.

“Perhaps we will once again see those lovely scenes where a factory worker will discreetly ask his foreman to explain an official letter because he ‘don’t read none too good’.

“Also, our legal changes will take us back to the seventies and end the Brussels-backed culture of making a huge fuss whenever a chap has one too many and the missus needs a physical reminder to stop nagging.

“Ask Carrie Symmonds”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here!

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