Friday 31 July 2020 by Davywavy

‘Oh it would be f*ckin’ Manchester, wouldn’t it?’, says Britain


Manchester lockdown

Manchester has ruined it for everyone again, we can report.

Not content with inflicting Oasis, The Smiths and Manchester United on the country, Manchester has now inflicted the latest outbreak of a deadly virus on everyone because people there can’t follow simple rules for five fucking minutes.

Reacting to the news their city was going back into lockdown with the tolerance and charm for which the city is justly famous, Mancunians said ‘Fuck that’ and vowed to keep drinking in each others front rooms as before.

Manchester scientists had postulated the existence of a ‘Scally aura’ that would protect locals from things that might do them harm, which they had dubbed the ‘Platt Field’.

However, the theory has turned out to be complete bollocks.

“It didn’t work against Thatcher, it’s not working against Liverpool this season, and wandering around with a bow-legged swagger with a joint and a can of Boddies saying ‘Eyyy, it’ll be all riiiiight, mate’ will not work against a virus no matter what your mate Dave from down the Salutation says,” said Professor Simon Williams of Public Health England.

“It’s not difficult, Manchester”, he added.

“Don’t form bands out of whining virgins, don’t shout at the ref, and stay a couple of feet away from each other. Then everyone will be happy.”

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