Friday 31 July 2020 by Pete Redfern

Avocado hoping to spend National Avocado Day being celebrated meets horrific end dissolved in stomach acid


National Avocado Day

Avocados have been left bitterly disappointed after learning that National Avocado Day is in fact bad news for all of them.

Medium-sized avocado, Simon Williams, told reporters via telephone from a secret location, “My brother and I have been on the run all day, since the first reports of mass avocado consumption started to come in.

“We were purchased as a ‘Ripe and Ready’ pack from Tesco by a seemingly lovely couple, who we assumed were going to celebrate us on National Avocado Day, and treat us nicely. Throw us a party, get down on their knees and revere us. You know, to toast us – not put us ON toast.

“But when we heard that there was an increase in the consumption of avocados instead, well, we rolled out of there as quick as we could. Did you know they smash avocados to pieces in their mouths and then dissolved them in stomach acid – it’s absolutely horrifying.

“How can you claim to celebrate us and still treat us like this. You monsters!”

His brother added, “I’m just gutted. I’m only perfectly ripe for about twenty minutes, and I thought it would be lovely to spend that brief moment in time being admired and respected by everyone celebrating National Avocado Day, and now I’m going to rot in hiding like so many of my relatives at the bottom of salad drawers around the country. It’s so sad.

“Oh God, I’ve started going brown inside already.”

There are reports of scores of avocados making their way up north to Manchester and Leeds, where they believe their chances of survival are much higher than in the home counties.

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