The Foreign Office has been left scrambling to print maps of Spain and highlight the location of Costa Blanca’s famous seaside town as many regular visitors to Benidorm swore they would never set foot in a horrible foreign country where they don’t serve egg and chips.
Proud Brexit ever and taxi driver Simon Williams was incensed at the government’s suggestion that he had spent so much as a minute discovering a foreign culture and proved his case with holiday snaps showing hordes of obese sunburnt Brits drinking Stella on a beach.
He insisted, “I was never abroad! Look at these pictures. Every last one of them a proud and rotund English rose!
“I defy you to find just one olive-skinned person with a healthy BMI in that crowd. I landed and went straight to my usual timeshare flat and met my neighbours Brian and Janet. We went down to the Fox and Hounds for a pie and a pint. The next day I bought the Sun and popped to the shops for teabags and some gin for the wife.
“This is not Spain. Why would I vote for Brexit if I went to Europe every year like unimaginative clockwork and even planned to retire there?
“Do you see signs in Spanish? Would Spaniards only have 2 skin tones of sickly pastiness or comical sunburn? I have been coming here since 1995 and have never uttered a single word that was not English. Unless you count ordering chicken tikka masala at the Rajput Palace as foreign. Which I do, obviously.”
Mr Williams’ claim that Benidorm was basically Basildon with a beach was partly supported by Spanish declarations that, as far as they were concerned, the infamous city was now solely for ‘gillipollas ingles’ which must be some sort of compliment.