It has been confirmed that a vegan cyclist CrossFit enthusiast is a harbinger of Armageddon and a sure sign that the end will soon be upon us.
Simon Williams recently started work at Almond and Ball Solutions, ltd, and colleagues soon realised that something was very wrong.
“He came into the kitchen, took off his cycle helmet, opened his quinoa and smashed avocado broth and started going on about this amazing CrossFit workout he did over the weekend,” said colleague Eleanor Gay.
“I recognised the signs immediately and consulted the ancient texts.
“Sure enough, in chapter 9, verse 12 of Prophecies of the Aged was the verse –
‘He, who CrossFit without meat,
who powers wheels with feet,
shall see the last of men.’
“I mean, that seems pretty clear to me that he has arrived on this earth to bring about the end of days.”
Ms Gay wasted no time in dealing with the situation.
“I organised a quick catch-up meeting to discuss upcoming smart-targets and, as was trying to get his spreadsheet running through the projector, I pierced his heart with the Blade of the Immortals,” she confirmed.
“But, is that enough? Is it just the fact that we live in a world where society can spawn such a thing as a vegan cyclist CrossFit enthusiast enough to make averting Armageddon and apocalypse impossible?
“And what if killing Simon only makes an even more powerful harbinger of Armageddon manifest itself.
“A vegan cyclist CrossFit enthusiast who also drives an Audi, for example – terrifying.”