Texas to restart executions by allowing condemned criminals to go out to a bar

author avatar by 4 years ago

Texas has announced plans to restart executions for death row inmates and could start sending them to their death in bars and clubs within days.

Executions of death row inmates were temporarily halted during the Coronavirus epidemic, but the pressure is on to start killing criminals again given it is almost election season and Republicans love a good execution.

Texas state official Chuck Williams told us, “It’s right that these people see the justice they deserve. These are the worst people in our society, and we’ll be better off when they’re gone, which is why we’re going to start sending them out to busy bars across the state.

“Especially the overweight ones, and those with pre-existing conditions.  Yes, sending them out to go drinking in bars during a coronavirus epidemic is slightly slower acting than lethal injection, but I would expect them to be drawing their last breath before the month is out.

“Plus, it’s a lot cheaper than doing things the traditional way – we just give them fifty bucks and point them in the direction of a busy drinking establishment.  And very few of them are that keen on all those legal tricks to secure a stay of execution when they realise they’ll be going out with a beer in their hand.

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“Well, they’ll go out slowly suffocating because their lungs are failing, but with the recent memory of a beer in their hand.”

However, one death row inmate said the executions were barbaric and inhumane.

Travis Matthews, 52, said, “What sort of civilised society kills their criminals by encouraging them to go out and catch a disease that could kill them?

“Wait, you’re also encouraging innocent people to do it? How am I the only one locked up in this situation?”

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