Monday 13 July 2020 by Arabin Patson

Royal Geographical Society launches expedition to find elusive Tory policy on compulsory face masks.


adventurer in search of Tory policy

The society that funded great explorers like Shackleton and Livingstone has announced it was putting together a team of expert trackers and giving them the mission to discover the whereabouts of the quasi-mystical conservative attitude towards mandating the wearing of face masks.

Sir Simon Williams, a renowned adventurer and owner of several leather jackets, has accepted to guide the expedition and held a press conference to announce that his team would soon depart for the Amazon rainforest in search of the fabled ‘Consistent Tory Stance’.

“For centuries we have heard amazing tales of a viewpoint on legislating face masks that never changed and that people could announce without being made to look like a tit the very next day.”

Asked if he believed in the old legend of a Tory politician that didn’t contradict his colleagues and actually gave an indication of government policy, Sir Williams said that many ancient myths hid an ancient truth.

“Troy and Machu Picchu were once dismissed as folk tales, and yet now we know they exist.

“There is an old Yanomani tale that makes explorers dream. It bids the worthy to travel a hundred days up the Japura river to the shimmering rocks and find the ancient trail of the Cloud People hidden behind seven waterfalls. After climbing the Mountain of Sorrow , those of pure heart can face the immortal priest and answer his riddles three. If they survive, it is said the voyager will be taken to a clearing whereupon lies a temple of pure gold guarded by giant anacondas.

“And inside that temple, it is said you can meet a Tory minister who knows what the fuck his government intends to do about making masks compulsory.”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get your T-shirt here!

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