Satan launches ‘Get Ready for Judgement Day’ campaign

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The fallen angel Lucifer has ordered his hosts of minions to prepare a comprehensive information package for mortals to help them prepare for the upcoming apocalypse and make sure they are ready for the eternity of hellfire that they chose by their actions.

Simon Wilyazael the Defiler, a hellspawned incubi and Communications Director for the Accursed Lord, held a press conference to explain that there were only a few months left for the living to understand how to efficiently transition to a new reality of everlasting suffering.

“We are still hoping to work with Heaven on this but we told the Archangel Michel in no uncertain terms that we are ready to proceed alone.

“As such we will build a new processing centre which should be able to judge millions of mortal souls and their deeds every hour. We know it will be on a much larger scale than the few thousands we normally process each day but we believe Satanic pluck and a can-damn attitude will see us through.

“And yes, it is too late to change your mind. The other side’s campaign was very clear what would happen and humankind still chose to reject salvation. The legions of Hell were chosen to implement the end of times and that is exactly what we will do.”

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Wilyazael the Defiler also reassured the public that being condemned by their deeds to pain without release did not need to be the calamity that Beelzebubs enemies claimed it would be.

“Your day to day will probably not change much except for the lakes of boiling sulphur and the incessant torture by foul imps.

“Honestly, if you’re from somewhere like Luton, it will be an upgrade.”