Chris Grayling’s appointment as head of Intelligence Committee sees hundreds of foreign spies made redundant

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After Boris Johnson nominated the clusterfuck magnet that is Chris Grayling to head the ultra-sensitive Intelligence Committee, espionage agencies from Tehran to Moscow have sacked all their UK agents as they expect all British secrets to be faxed directly to them shortly.

In Moscow, Semyon Viliamov, the head of the SVR’s British desk, explained that it was unfortunate, but the certainty that Chris Grayling would be littering London with Top Secret files made it financially untenable to keep paying their UK agents.

He went on, “It’s not something we enjoy doing, but we have to watch the roubles now we are entering a COVID-19 recession.

“How can I justify spending millions on cover stories, prostitutes and bullshit consultancy jobs when the head of the Intelligence Committee will probably enter the names of all British assets in Russia into his Amazon birthday wishlist by accident?

“You don’t need sleeper agents lying low in Chiswick when the man who will get daily briefings from MI6 and MI5 has “Chris1234” as his password. And yes, we checked, that’s really his password.”

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Mr Viliamov showed uncharacteristic emotion for a minute to express deep personal sorrow at the loss of his agents.

He explained, “We did some great work in the UK such as Brexit, buying up half of London, getting Dominic Cummings into Downing Street and rigging the Strictly Come Dancing votes.

“It’s the hard work of many dedicated agents who made it possible for us to brazenly use chemical weapons on British Streets and not suffer any real consequence for it.

“But this is a ruthless business and why pay the hunter when the rabbit is so fuckwitted it will merrily walk itself into your oven while whistling Rule Britannia?”

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