Thursday 25 June 2020 by Chris Ballard

Dominic Cummings holds illegal street party to ‘test his hearing’


Dominic Cummings illegal street party to test his hearing

Several police officers were injured and their vehicles damaged after an ‘unlicensed music event’ was held in Downing Street.

In the early hours of Thursday morning, police were called to an address in Westminster after a neighbour complained of ‘noise and violence’.

“I was awoken at about half two by some incredibly loud dance music coming from outside,” said Mr Sunak who lives at number 11 Downing Street.

“I looked out of the window and there was a strange man wearing a beanie and with his jeans halfway down his bottom. He appeared to be punching a police officer repeatedly in the face while shouting, ‘You gonna arrest me? Try it! You can’t touch me you pig!’

“There was a second figure – an overweight blonde man – jumping up and down on top of a squad car yelling ‘Fuck the cops!’ and waving a yellow glowstick.

“I immediately phoned Boris to inform him of these outrageous activities but there was no answer.

“It seemed a bit odd phoning the police to report an attack on the police – however, I felt I didn’t really have a choice.”

The Prime Minister’s aide Dominic Cummings has since admitted that it was him partying into the small hours.

“Acting within the very specific guidelines that apply only to me, I was merely having a midnight rave in order to test my hearing,” he explained.

“I needed to listen to my son read the following day and wanted to be sure I was able to do so, so it was a common-sense move to hold an illegal street party.

“I have no idea who the fat blond man was.”

There has been a mixed response to the events among Tory MPs.

Priti Patel called the behaviour ‘utterly vile,’ although it’s understood she’s just upset at not being invited because she likes to rage as much as anyone.

On the other hand, Michael Gove said he thought Cummings’ explanation was ‘perfectly reasonable’ and that he himself had ‘on occasion’ tested his hearing by holding an illegal street party.

The Prime Minister has since investigated the incident and considers the matter closed.

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get your T-shirt here!

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