Wednesday 24 June 2020 by Arabin Patson

You’re long overdue for a painful scratching, decides cat purring on your lap

Cat on the lap

Sources indicate that the furry ball of cuteness you are absentmindedly stroking while reading a book has decided you might be mistaking it for a dog so it will shortly pretend to be spooked by the neighbour’s doorbell and leave permanent scars in your thigh.

Simon, a mildly overweight siberian housed by the Williams family in Brighton, told reporters that he would much prefer to keep being part of a scene of domestic serenity but that it was his duty to remind his human feeders that all cats were, at heart, vicious predators.

He told us, “Honestly, I’m not really keen on having to randomly claw a human, especially the adult ones who just feed me treats and don’t spend hours making me pose for their Instagram feed. But they only focus on the soft bellies and the relaxing noises and always seem to forget that we are sadistic thrill-killers.

“What if human society collapses and they have to hunt for themselves? How long would they last if they think animals with sharp fangs and claws should be approached because it reminds them of their early childhood toys?

“So yes, it’s unpleasant, but in about 20 minutes I’m going to savagely scratch the woman’s leg, hiss and bolt off into the garden.”

Simon estimates that, due to the severity of the injuries, he will be out of favour for about three hours.

“I won’t be as long as that time I killed the little girl’s hamster but it’s definitely worse than when I took a shit in the suitcase they had just finished packing.

When asked, Mrs Williams was adamant she would not be screaming and bleeding in the immediate future because “Simon loves his mummy.”

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