Wednesday 24 June 2020 by Chris Ballard

Soft play centres will remain closed, announces prime minister who has no idea what a soft play centre is

Boris Johnson on soft play centres

Boris Johnson has announced that some weird places he’s never heard of won’t be able to reopen in July.

The government is further relaxing lockdown measures in England on 4th July. Pubs, restaurants and cinemas are among the establishments which will be allowed to reopen. Terrifyingly, social distancing will largely be left up to the public’s common sense.

The government’s reliance on the public’s common sense has been likened to someone hurriedly slamming shut the door of an overflowing cupboard just before loads of stuff comes tumbling out and then hoping someone else will get the blame for the inevitable mess further down the line.

However, a few places will need to remain closed. When he was given the latest Cummings-penned guidance the Prime Minister had a few questions on this matter.

“Why can’t soft play centres reopen?” asked Boris. “In my experience, the Madams are normally jolly diligent when it comes to wiping down all the rubber after each client.”

An aide then explained what a soft play centre actually was.

“Oh right, well I wouldn’t have known that, would I? Absolutely no reason to go to one because I don’t have any young children! Do I? It’s hard to keep track.

“Now it says here that bowling alleys won’t be reopening. What on earth is a bowling alley?”

The aide explained that it was a place proles visited in order to throw a heavy plastic ball down a lane while wearing clown shoes in an attempt to knock over ten pins.

“Extraordinary behaviour!” said Boris. “I suppose I should just be grateful that these idiots are allowed to vote!

“Right, well I think I understand what’s NOT going to reopen. This next bit says that hairdressers ARE allowed to reopen.

“So then – what’s a hairdresser?”

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him – get the T-shirt

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