Wetherspoons keen to hire long-distance runners after Boris announces table service must be used in all pubs

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Wetherspoons has begun hiring long-distance runners and all staff are to begin marathon training from today in order to build up the stamina required to deliver table service to the thirsty hordes at their array of massive pubs across the UK.

With the news today that pubs and hotels can finally open in England from 4th July, with table service required at all venues, staff at numerous Wetherspoons pubs which often have the internal size and structure of a small airport will now be required to cover a possible 42 miles in distance during just one shift delivering drinks.

Simon Williams, manager of one Wetherspoons pub in Manchester told us, “This is going to be some challenge, considering it takes approximately 15 minutes to get from one side of the pub to the other, and up to 40 minutes if you need to go to the toilet.

“We have considered the amount of walking required during an average shift if we are to maintain an effective table service, and the speed required to actually keep customers topped up all over the pub, and it appears that the majority of our staff are going to have to embark on some high-altitude training as soon as possible to build up some much-needed stamina.

“If you can run a ninety-minute half-marathon and fancy earning a tenner an hour to carry pints of weak piss to total piss-heads, then please get in touch.”

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Williams went on, “All that running is going to be hard enough, but now we’ll also have to teach them how to use a contactless card reader.

“Have you to tried explaining the intricacies of NFC technology to a guy who’s been drinking Fosters since 8:30 in the morning? It’s not easy.

“I thought these places couldn’t get any more dismal. I was wrong.”

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