Tuesday 23 June 2020 by Neil Tollfree

‘Don’t lick a zebra for more than 3 minutes’ – Government coronavirus advice enters surreal stage

Boris lick a zebra coronavirus advice

The Government has announced that it has moved to the surreal stage of its coronavirus response with advice to not lick a zebra and to put coal in your pants.

With the lockdown now easing across the country, government officials have moved to update their guidance for those of you still paying any attention to it whatsoever.

“There are several stages our coronavirus response,” explained little Matt Hancock, a schoolboy who won a competition to become a minister.

“Stage one – contain, stage two – delay, stage three – research, and stage fish – surreal.

“We have now moved to the surreal response stage from whatever response stage we were at before. I forget.”

The main advice under the surreal stage of coronavirus response includes:

  • Rub a tree twice a day.
  • Only playfully wrestle with large men if there is no other option.
  • Fill up your bathroom with soft foam balls.
  • Keep a turtle in your pocket at all times.
  • Develop an underground network of tunnels.
  • Paint your children purple and make them sing Purple Rain whenever visitors arrive.
  • Bugger a dalmatian.

Scientists were surprised by the move.

“Are we still doing the four stages of coronavirus response thing? I thought everyone had got a bit bored of that and moved to just hoping everything sorts itself out,” said Professor Eleanor Gay.

However, after consideration, she was largely sanguine about the change.

“Well, it’s profoundly stupid, meaningless, and won’t help combat coronavirus at all,” she said.

“So, it’s broadly in line with all coronavirus response so far.”

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