Boris says he hears the anger of “letterboxes, avaricious Nigerians, hook-nosed Arabs and piccaninnies”

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BLM activists celebrated yesterday as renowned race-relations expert Boris Johnson declared that he was deeply distressed to see rage erase “those beautiful watermelon smiles”.

He continued, “As someone who has dreamt all his life of being a Viceroy, I feel a strong closeness to those of you who were brought to these shores through a wonderful process of my ancestors inflicting horrific violence on yours.

“I, too, feel consummate rage when news of racist brutality interrupts my post-brunch nap. I can assure all you ethnic people that I understand your concerns and always have, as my long record of amusing race-based quips proves.

“After all, I am the first British prime minister to appoint a Hindustani female as the nation’s chief racist. Now when your family is deported for never getting a sunburn, or you get arrested for going through an airport with a Koran, you know it’s been done by someone whom I’d forbid my sons to marry but won’t explain why.”

Although Johnson said he understood the urge to protest, he explained that social distancing must be respected.

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He went on, “We are in the grips of a pandemic and it saddens me to see people risk infecting others just because a black man was slowly murdered on camera, instead of risking infecting others for real emergencies like having to check their eyesight.

“My message is clear: Don’t break lockdown unless you have a good reason, such as being my advisor and you want a change of scenery.”

The intervention was reminiscent of Mr Johnson’s celebrated response to the MeToo movement when he showed solidarity with victimised women by bravely leaving his cancer-ridden wife to sleep with someone much, much younger.

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