Monday 8 June 2020 by Neil Tollfree

Priti Patel announces plans for new statues honouring Dr Harold Shipman and General Zod


Harold shipman statue

The Government has announced plans to replace the statue of Edward Colston Bristol with statues of Dr Harold Shipman and General Zod.

“Dr Harold Shipman was a well-respected GP who was emblematic of all the qualities communities look for in their local doctor,” explained Home Secretary and complete fucking bastard Priti Patel.

“Yes, we recognise that he is also known for other, less socially acceptable activities, but this statue isn’t about those. This is about the fine work he did as a GP and the people he gave prescriptions to when he realised his preferred option wasn’t really available..”

She also explained the unusual decision to honour General Zod, a fictional villain from Superman 2, with a statue.

“He was one of the galaxy’s most irredeemable criminals and he wanted to take over the world and enslave humanity,” she went on, her eyes shining a little with fervour.

“But these statues should be here to remind us of the darker aspects of our history as well as the good.

“Also, let’s be honest, if Zod were real, he’d probably be our Foreign Secretary right now. I mean, yes, he was profoundly evil, but he was a good, strong leader, and he’d have some fairly robust ideas about dealing with the EU.”

It had been rumoured that Ms Patel was going to announce a statue of Boris Johnson, not because of the 40,000 people who have died due to his botched coronavirus response, but for his work setting up a successful bike hire scheme.

However, it was agreed that whilst we can set up statues honouring slavers, serial killers, and fictional super-villains, a statue honouring the current prime minister is a little beyond the pale.

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