Friday 5 June 2020 by Neil Tollfree

Cows invade Sussex University campus, study art history, smoke cannabis


Cows invade sussex university

With Sussex University being deserted due to Coronavirus restrictions, local cows have invaded the empty campus.

After briefly exploring the fields around the campus, the cows entered the Jubilee building and began to study art history before heading back to a dormitory to smoke cannabis and listen to an old Orb album that someone had left behind.

“This is not a surprise,” explained bovine expert Simon Williams.

“We’ve seen wild animals reclaim a variety of spaces during the lockdown, and without the threat of humans, they are developing new routines – such as popping into the refectory for a tuna baked potato for lunch.”

Throughout the lockdown, animals have been spotted in unusual places.

In the city of London, packs of wild dogs have been running through the streets, giving PowerPoint presentations of projected growth in the third quarter and reaching out to packs of wild dogs in different financial districts around the world to hammer out deals.

Several weeks ago, a herd of sheep had found their way into a children’s playground and one of them had managed to figure out how a roundabout works.

It is understood the sheep concerned is now considering running for US President.

With the cows set to remain on campus for the foreseeable future, there have been calls for the cows to have their student loans waived as they are cows and have very limited capacity for a high-remuneration career in the future.

“No,” confirmed a Government spokesperson.

“We’re not going to be doing that.”

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