Thursday 4 June 2020 by Chris Ballard

Nobody gives a shit about your weird lockdown dreams


woman shrugging

With up to half of locked down Brits plagued by insomnia and troubled by strange dreams, people have been reminded that an interest in other people’s nocturnal imaginings definitely isn’t part of the ‘new normal’.

A study has concluded that approximately half of the UK has struggled with sleep during lockdown. Part of the problem are the bizarre dreams brought on by extremely unusual life circumstances.

“It’s vital that people remember that ‘weird’ is not the same as ‘interesting’,” said study lead Professor Simon Williams.

“No one is the slightest bit interested in that strange dream you had – even if you feel it’s so compellingly peculiar that you just have to tell everyone you meet all about it.

“Sure, you understandably thought it was fascinating – a dream in which your bath was a giant Muller Crunch Corner and the crunchy bits were all former England managers… and then you were running through a post-apocalyptic cityscape being chased by an army of Nick Knowles clones… and then you were a ball bearing being evacuated from the beaches of Dunkirk… and then you woke up.

“It’s natural to ask yourself, ‘What did it all mean?’ Perhaps you thought, ‘My work colleagues will enjoy helping me decode all this symbolism during our next Zoom meeting’.

“But you would be wrong.

“Lockdown has changed many things but it hasn’t changed the fact that describing your dreams to others is still one of the most crushingly boring things you can do in life; not quite as tedious as raving about that amazing new skill your toddler has acquired but slightly more mind-numbing than talking about how quickly you can now run 5k.

“The brutal truth is that your friends and colleagues – probably even your close family – don’t really care what you actually did in real life last night, let alone what you got up to in a bizarre fictional dream world.

“And by the way, the only meaning behind your dream about that toilet made out of sharp swords is that you needed a piss after watching Game of Thrones.

“In short, best to just shut the fuck up.”

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