The weather is absolutely perfect for all those festivals, church garden parties and village fetes that you won’t be having this year, we can report.
As Britain faces its first summer in years where water isn’t falling from the sky pretty much constantly, all the stuff you could ordinarily do with such good fortune is no longer going to be happening.
“The meteorological conditions are absolutely ideal for hanging round in a funfair, or eating ice-creams on the village free as someone calls out the tombola results,” said weatherman Simon Williams in case you hadn’t noticed.
“And music festivals would be awesome – warm and sunny enough for girls to take their tops off and for drunk teenagers to pass out without getting hypothermia as usual – and that won’t be happening either.”
Most summer events have either been postponed to later in the year or until 2021, by which time the Met Office has predicted will be ‘pissing it down again like normal’.
Williams went on, “What we recommend is that you pretend to be having a great time at a summer event by sitting in the garden listening to distorted 80s hits and crying children, whilst drinking warm lager and giving yourself listeria by leaving the burgers out for three days before cooking them.
“Trust us you’ll barely know the difference between that and a normal summer of British activities.
”It’s either that, or ignore the risks and go to the beach to catch a potentially fatal disease like every other wanker out there.”